So today I am sharing probably one of the most pivotal points of transformation that occurred throughout any state of consciousness I have experienced thus far: My Lucid Death.
I had been staying at my favourite refuge (a beautiful Theravadan Buddhist Training Monastery in the South of England), and undergoing a fairly intense period of meditation. I would wake at 4.30am, sit in group meditation for an hour and a quarter, do some chores, have a small breakfast, carry on with the day and then I would have another one and a quarter hours meditation in the evening at 7.30pm. I had been staying for five days and had been following this routine militarily! On the fifth night, I went to bed as normal. It was this particular night that I had a very mythical type of dream. There was a very archetypical sea-witch character that visited me and told me a huge wave was coming that would wipe out the earth. I didn’t trust this woman at all, even when she said that she was the Queen of England and I was her grand-daughter! She had built an Ark and was taking the animals away so that she could build a New World of which, if I chose to come with her, I could rule over.
The feeling of this woman was cold and un-loving and I told her that I would rather stay. She told me it was my choice, and that the wave would approach shortly and I was certain to die. She disappeared.
Then, just as she had foretold, a huge wave began to approach the land that I was on- and in that moment, in that exact moment when the tidal wave began to approach- I became lucid. “I’m dreaming” I said to myself, “This is a dream. If this is a dream then I can face the wave and I will either WAKE UP or DIE…” I felt fear about facing the wave, but I had faith in the dream.
In that moment, as I had been connecting with my breath in meditation whilst awake, I took a long deep breath in as the wave approached and hit me. As the wave hit, my breath seemed to join the wave and everything that was there until everything-including “myself” had merged into this beautiful white mist. I am not going to even begin to try and explain this “mist” or how it felt but I can only say there was nothing but peace and stillness that took up all of space and had no space at all. “I” seemed to stop and there was just this all-pervading peace, (after a long time of digesting this event, I now refer to this space as Source). I have no idea how long I was there- it seemed like an instant and eternity.
After being in this place I seemed to suddenly appear in a black void-like space, accompanied by two other “presences”. There were no forms here, but when I cast my mind back I picture a black space and feel the presence of two. It felt like “we three” were actually one but remained separate. The other “two” showed me a “mind of linguistic flow” diagram. When I saw this, I felt very confused and thought “why have this when it seems to make everything so much more complicated?”. This flow diagram was full of symbols and words and letters that were constantly shifting places and seemed to have an infinite number of “setups”. I had the feeling that this would be a big challenge to overcome.
I then opened my eyes as if I were coming out of meditation, and a monk was asking me was I OK? I was very shaken as I tried to recall what had just happened… then I was further jerked back into my body and waking life.
It had all been a dream… a dream within a dream, within a dream in fact. It was 4am and I woke alone in my room. I was completely in shock. I felt like I had really died, it was all so immediate and real. My body was shaking and my breath was racing. I had an immense tingling all over my body and I was shaking with tears. I was inconsolable. I cried for hours and hours and tried to calm myself with my breath- but now each conscious breath just triggered the replay of the dream. I cannot explain the immensity of the impact this lucid dream had had on my idea of “me”. I was completely conscious when I made the choice to “wake up or die”… the other choice of running from the wave never occurred to me- and now I see why…
Is it really us who are making the choices? If I managed to be, without being me…what was “I”?
…Needless to say, since that time I have had many more self-shattering experiences that constantly push myself to re-evaluate the very nature of who or what “I am”, and what it means to Be… and be human.
- If you’ve had any Lucid Death experiences (either in the waking state, meditative state or dreaming state), please feel free to share or send me an email! I’d love to hear how others experience a lucid death and how it has affected your everyday life!